A few months ago I set up a parody Donald Trump-themed dating website aptly named Trump.Singles (Note: now defunct and exclusively available through the Wayback Machine). Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, didn’t I almost get sued by Donald Trump for owning a website with ‘trump’ in the name? Yes, yes I did. But in the end The Donald cut me a two figure check, which I think means I won the legal battle and I’m allowed to do it again. Plus, that was before he was running for president, and now I think it’s my patriotic duty and God-given right to make fun of Donald Trump.
The concept behind my Trump dating website was simple: in an effort to breed the most luxurious and intelligent wall-building babies the world has ever seen, Trump.Singles would serve as a place where wealthy people with the last name Trump could meet other wealthy people with the last name Trump. The only downside to Trumpbreeding is that the children would have cartoonishly small hands.
Now, here’s the thing. I often start funny projects like Trump.Singles and never really tell anyone about them. It goes a little like this:
- An idea pops in my head
- I immediately start working on the idea, usually by building a website
- I remember I have other life responsibilities like completing my Master’s degree and going to work every day
- I abandon the idea
For example, I registered a super PAC called Draft Stone Cold PAC to encourage WWE’s Stone Cold Steve Austin to run for President. I even set up a website (now defunct) and a Facebook page which has nearly 1,000 likes. But then I never did anything with it because, well, I’ve got other things to do and getting the Texas Rattlesnake to run for president isn’t too high up on the list.
Trump.Singles was one of those projects. Until last week, when this happened.
Last week, Fox News’ Fox and Friends aired a segment featuring the website TrumpSingles.com (you may see where this is going) which is an actual, real thing that exists for Trump supporters to meet other Trump supporters without having to worry about the awkward moment they reveal that they’re a Trump supporter.
After the Fox News segment aired, thousands of single Trump supporters looking for love flocked to the internet and searched for “Trump singles.” Well, it turns out that my website, Trump.Singles, was the first result when you Googled that phrase. What’s more, the actual TrumpSingles.com crashed due to the heavy load of horny Fox News viewers, causing even more people to end up on my site in an attempt to connect with other Trump singles as quickly as possible.
I thought it was pretty obvious my website was a parody, but of the 4,000 people who visited Trump.Singles, at least 89 people who filled out the “Sign Up” form apparently had no idea. This led to some great “applications” to join Trump.Singles.
Here are some of my favorite comments that were submitted (and again, these are 100% real):
Just heard about your website on Fox News. What a great idea. I wish you success. – Joe J.
Thanks Joe! It’s already a success, trust me.
I have been a Donald Trump supporter since the beginning would love to meet a gentleman that has the same political views for our wonderful country! Trump2016 – Jackie C.
I wish you all the best Jackie.
i wanna find me a sugar daddy so i can get that trump stump – Brittany B.
Well then.
Go TRUMP or go home! – Eric T.
I think America is getting ready to go home in November.
I hope this is legit!!!! – Suzanne A.
It’s not.
I am a trump supporter – Michele V.
I am not a trump supporter. – Nick B
This is a great idea! I support Trump for POUS. I also predicted he’d win when he first appeared he was running!!! – Emma B.
If you predicted Trump would be the GOP nominee when he first announced, then you’re far smarter than I am. Also, it’s POTUS.
its great – Steve W.
If it’s already great, then what is Trump trying to do again?
No comment. – Sharon P.
Cold.
your domain names. .com and .org are jammed solid
watched on f and f this morning
couldn’t get on – Craig S
So my website was the third Trump Singles site you tried using? Craig…I’m so sorry.
Want to join and have you become President. – Lester B.
Nick Butler 2016 – Lester B.
I’m black.. – Michael M.
Look, my African American!
I am a patriotic American that wants this country to be great again. I want to meet somebody that will snuggle on the couch with me as we watch the election results roll in and celebrate when Mr. Trump crushes crooked Hillary. – Betty S.
Betty is looking for the man of her dreams. Literally, because what she just described will never happen.
On one hand, I feel bad for these people. On the other hand, it’s pretty damn obvious my website is a joke. Right next to the form they filled out, it says:
Unfortunately, none of the people who submitted an application to Trump.Singles was actually a member of the Trump family, which means I had to deny their application. I didn’t want to break their hearts too bigly, so I delivered the news in a way that would seem familiar to them: I wrote the rejection email as Donald J. Trump.
This is that email. Read it in Donald Trump’s voice.
Dear Applicant,
Congratulations on your application to Trump.Singles! The United States is so weak, no one is in love anymore. We just don’t love.
Trump.Singles is one of the greatest websites in the history of the internet, and we’re going to make America love again! Everyone is talking about Trump.Singles, everyone … Fox News – they love it, everybody loves it!
I’m going to make you love so much that you’ll be begging me to stop. You’ll say, “Mr. Trump we’re tired of loving, we need to stop loving,” and I’ll say, “No, we’re going to keep loving, we’re going to love so hard and so long – we’re going to love like you’ve never loved before.” Believe me, you’re going to be begging me to stop loving – and this won’t be the first time someone has begged me to stop, I can tell you that.
Catfish, have you heard about this? Have you heard about Catfishing? These people are taking our profiles, they’re taking them and destroying our dating websites – and we don’t know who they are … they’re rapists, they’re murderers, and some – I assume – are good people.
We have a catfish problem in America, and these people are so weak they can’t even respond to it. Little eHarmony and Lyin’ Match.com are so weak. It’s pathetic. Sad.
We’re going to build a firewall so big that these catfish aren’t going to be able take our profiles.
We’re going to delete their profiles and their families profiles. Get ‘em out! Out! Out!
And you know what? They’re going to pay for the firewall – I know deals.
But we have to make sure Trump.Singles is exclusive, only for the most wonderful and the most beautiful people in America. This website – you know, I own many golf courses. And, you can’t just let anyone become a member, and so these weak people will try to join, and we have to say no. We just can’t let them on the course. And, you know, I like them – believe me, many of them are good people – I want to let them on the course. But we can’t let them on the course. So, this website is like my luxurious golf courses. We can’t let everyone on.
It’s very exclusive.
Right now, this website is just for members of my family, okay? Other Trumps, who I know are rich – very rich, I’m not bragging, but very rich. I know they have good genes. My daughter, I’ve said before – you know, if she wasn’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her. I don’t think Ivanka would do that, although she does have a very nice figure.
So, unless you’re a Trump, you know, I can’t let you join. Alright?
God bless,
Donald J. Trump
President
United States of America
That’s it. If (and when) I receive some responses to that email, I’ll be sure to update you all. In the meantime, if your last name is Trump and you’re looking for love, feel free to check out Trump.Singles.